I very much like this poem, Carrie. Just a couple of thoughts: in the 3rd stanza, might shifting the line-break to "I feared it / would strut" add an extra emotional counterpoint to the dynamic? Also, I'm not quite sure what the sense of "becoming" is - turning into; shading towards; attractive in the same way as the sea? I realise the ambiguity might be purposeful, but I was unsure. Otherwise I think it's great.
Nice imagery here. I might go with ‘encouraged’ rather than allowed in the opening line though. It’s a verb I associate with my father who complained that my mother encouraged stray cats (animals of all kind but especially cats). Also in the penultimate stanza I’m not crazy about the close proximity of ‘feared’ and ‘afraid’. It’s not bad, especially if I emphasis the ‘It’ when reading, but I might look for another synonym here. You might also think about changing ‘I thought it could not grow’ to ‘I doubted it would grow’. Not a big change but I prefer it.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jim, but they would present radically different ideas for the poem. The speaker is barely permitting the song to stay; hence encouraged would suggest something else entirely. The proximity of feared and afraid is intentional, to relate the speaker to the song. Lastly, the speaker is sure the song won't grow under these conditions, so "doubted" would be inappropriate in suggesting uncertainty.
I really, really liked what I considered a poem under your photo of your Mum & your niece in your blog post on July 29th. That had a rawness to it which stuck me as real, deep grief. I like this sea-blue song, too, but it's the July 29th words which will linger with me.
I, too, was impacted by your words of July 29th, Carrie, but I'm equally moved by this offering. To me it suggests the fragility and strangeness of the mixed emotions which accompany our most intimate connections with the life cycle, and our dis/comfort, dis/association with them. And much ambivalence, yes.
I very much like this poem, Carrie. Just a couple of thoughts: in the 3rd stanza, might shifting the line-break to "I feared it / would strut" add an extra emotional counterpoint to the dynamic? Also, I'm not quite sure what the sense of "becoming" is - turning into; shading towards; attractive in the same way as the sea? I realise the ambiguity might be purposeful, but I was unsure. Otherwise I think it's great.
ReplyDeleteThat is absolutely beautiful, Carrie.
ReplyDeleteNice imagery here. I might go with ‘encouraged’ rather than allowed in the opening line though. It’s a verb I associate with my father who complained that my mother encouraged stray cats (animals of all kind but especially cats). Also in the penultimate stanza I’m not crazy about the close proximity of ‘feared’ and ‘afraid’. It’s not bad, especially if I emphasis the ‘It’ when reading, but I might look for another synonym here. You might also think about changing ‘I thought it could not grow’ to ‘I doubted it would grow’. Not a big change but I prefer it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts, Jim, but they would present radically different ideas for the poem. The speaker is barely permitting the song to stay; hence encouraged would suggest something else entirely. The proximity of feared and afraid is intentional, to relate the speaker to the song. Lastly, the speaker is sure the song won't grow under these conditions, so "doubted" would be inappropriate in suggesting uncertainty.
DeleteI really, really liked what I considered a poem under your photo of your Mum & your niece in your blog post on July 29th. That had a rawness to it which stuck me as real, deep grief. I like this sea-blue song, too, but it's the July 29th words which will linger with me.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was impacted by your words of July 29th, Carrie, but I'm equally moved by this offering. To me it suggests the fragility and strangeness of the mixed emotions which accompany our most intimate connections with the life cycle, and our dis/comfort, dis/association with them. And much ambivalence, yes.
ReplyDelete